


Conference

by Starwolf69



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Fluff, Ineffable co-parenting, Kid Fic, M/M, Snakes, Victorian name calling, does it count as a kid fic if the kids are snakes but one of the parents is too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:01:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21785629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starwolf69/pseuds/Starwolf69
Summary: Parent teacher conferences have arrived.  Pre-middle school girls can be so nasty.  Rosa faces off against the evil Penelope.  Oh, and there's a book fair.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 172
Collections: Wiggleverse





	Conference

**Author's Note:**

> Victorian snarking is amazing. Some definitions.
> 
> Vazey -- Stupid
> 
> Hedge-creeper -- a woman of questionable morals who uses sexuality to increase her status or wealth
> 
> Wag-tail -- see above

“And there’s a book fair,” Rosa pointed out for the hundredth time since the conference sign-up form came home. 

“Do you think we need more books?” Crowley asked, parking the Bentley in the school lot.

“You can never have too many books,” Rosa and Aziraphale answered in unison. 

Angelica piped up. “More importantly, there are sign-ups for spring football.”

Crowley made a sound somewhere between a growl and a groan. He got out and went to the boot to get Clem’s wheelchair. Junior and Tura crawled out of the back seat and followed their father. Aziraphale got out and held the passenger seat forward for the girls to get out. Crowley moved the chair into position and Clem slid in. Aziraphale tucked Clem’s lap blanket over the back of the chair in case he got cold. 

Following Angelica and Rosa to their classroom, the others looked around the school and at the other students. Tura pushed Clem’s wheelchair, chattering with Junior. After passing a number of doors that all looked the same, Rosa and Angelica entered one, followed by Crowley, Aziraphale, and their siblings. After showing their family around the classroom and their portfolios of work, it was Rosa’s time for her conference with the teacher. She beamed as the teacher praised her reading and school work to her fathers. Aziraphale patted her shoulder over and over and Crowley gave her a smile, beaming with pride.

“Hi, Clem!”

Junior, Tura, and Angelica also turned at Clem’s name. Molly bounced up to them, smiling broadly at Clem. He blushed but grinned at her. 

She looked to the others, blushing a little. “Hi, Gel. Hi, Junior. Hi, Tura.”

“Are you going after me?” Angelica asked. “Rosa is taking forever.”

Molly nodded. “Maybe we can all go to the book fair together? Mom! Come meet my friends!”

Molly introduced Angelica, Junior, and Tura to her mother. Molly looked a lot like her mother – pretty in a bookish way. 

“I like your outfit, Tura,” Molly told them. “It looks really cool.”

Tura blushed and dipped their head. “Thank you.”

“What about my outfit?” Junior asked with a grin. 

Molly laughed. “All black is so classic.”

“Angelica, it’s your turn,” Rosa called as she crossed to her siblings. She hugged Molly. “Hi, Molly! Hello, Mrs. Redson.”

Rosa showed her siblings around the classroom while Angelica had her conference. They stopped in front of the class pet, a hamster named Paul. Junior gazed at it, his eyes getting more snakey behind his dark glasses. He hissed softly as he crouched to stare at the creature in the aquarium. Tura hid their grin by straightening Clem’s blanket.

Rosa hissed. “Anthony Fell-Crowley Junior! You will not snack on Paul!”

“Starving,” Junior whispered back. 

“We’ll eat when we go to the book fair,” Rosa whispered through clenched teeth. 

After Angelica’s conference finished and Aziraphale assured the teacher that they would have a talk at home about the importance of turning homework in on time, Rosa let her family to the multi-purpose room where the book fair was set up in the middle of the room. Lining the walls, tables were set up with sign-ups for clubs and sports. Angelica pulled Crowley toward the football league table. 

“Azirafather,” Junior moaned. “I’m starving. I’m going to die if I don’t get something to eat.”

“You are not dying,” Aziraphale told him. “It looks like they are selling pizza over there. Would that keep you from discorporating?”

“Maybe,” Junior answered. 

“Tura and I can get pizza for all of us,” Rosa said. “There are tables over there where we can sit. Then we can look at books!”

Aziraphale gave her money to get pizza and drinks, then found a table and settled in with Junior and Clem. Clem watched the door, suddenly sitting up straighter and waved. Aziraphale looked toward the door and saw Molly waving back. He smiled a little – she was a nice girl and he was glad Clem has a friend. 

Rosa groaned as they approached the pizza table. Penelope, Brynlee, and Amber were at the end of the line, looking bored as they waited. Rosa put her shoulders back and joined the line with Tura next to her. 

Amber was the one to notice them. She bit her lower lip and gave Tura a little smile. When Penelope turned around, Amber’s smile disappeared, replaced by a bored look.

“Why is THAT here?” Penelope asked, staring at Tura.

Rosa narrowed her eyes. “Tura is my guest and a guest of our school. You should be polite.”

“You don’t tell me what to do, prissy baby,” she answered. “So, what are you today?”

Tura tipped their head to the side and looked at her. “Same thing I was yesterday. What are you today?”

Penelope eyed them up and down. “Long sweater and leggings – could be boy or girl. Boots – definitely boy.”

“Those are Doc Martins,” Amber pointed out. “My Auntie Jeanie wears those. They’re way cool.”

“Nail polish – definitely girl,” Penelope continued after glaring at Amber. “So, I’ll ask again, WHAT are you?”

Rosa had enough. She took Tura’s hand and glared at Penelope. “Now, see here, you vazey hedge-creeper. We are done speaking now. Get your food and leave us alone.”

“What did you call me?” Penelope asked, getting louder. “What did you say to me, you snotty little baby?”

“I called you a vazey hedge-creeper,” Rosa said calmly. And I’ll call you it again. Vazey. Hedge-creeper.”

A woman approached them. “Pen? Is there a problem?”

Penelope suddenly became a sweet little girl. “Mamma, these . . . people are being rude to me.”

Penelope’s mother turned to glare at Rosa and Tura. “Apologize.”

“But she . . .” Rosa began. 

“She called me a name!” Penelope whined. “It hurt my feelings.”

Brynlee and Amber got their pizza and stepped to the side, finding a table close by to watch the fireworks. Penelope’s mother wagged her finger at Rosa, demanding an apology. 

Aziraphale and Crowley approached, under the pretense of checking on dinner. Penelope’s mother turned on them.

“Are these little heathens yours?” she snapped.

Crowley opened his mouth to let her have everything she deserved but snapped it shut when Aziraphale took his hand. The angel smiled. 

“These are our children, yes,” he said. “Is there an issue?”

“You bet there is!” she crowed. “It seems your daughter said something nasty to mine. And she needs to apologize.”

“What did you say?” Aziraphale asked Rosa. 

She looked at her feet and murmured, “I called her a vazey hedge-creeper.”

Crowley burst out laughing. Aziraphale fought back a smile. He cleared his throat a few times and crouched down to look Rosa in the face.

“Why would you do that, darling?”

“Because she was being mean to Tura,” Rosa told him. “She called them a THAT.”

Aziraphale stood back up. “It seems that both the girls owe each other an apology.”

Penelope’s mother snorted, “So it’s okay for your child to call other children names?”

“No,” Aziraphale said, annoyance creeping into his voice. “But your child called her sibling a ‘that’.”

“What yours did was worse.”

“Madam,” Aziraphale sighed. “I can see we aren’t going to get anywhere so maybe we should agree to disagree.”

“I will do no such thing! Make that child apologize for calling my darling a . . . . a . . .”

“Vazey hedge-creeper,” Tura supplied.

Crowley laughed again. “You don’t even know what that means, do you?”

She glared at him. “I know what it means. It’s a . . . a . . .”

Crowley snorted. “You’re obviously one too. Here. I’ll give this one to you, you stupid whor . . .”

“ . . . rible person!” Azirphale finished loudly for him. “A stupid horrible person.”

Aziraphale herded his family back to their table with their pizza and drinks, leaving Penelope’s mother standing there opening and closing her mouth and spluttering at him. He held tightly to Crowley’s hand, keeping the demon right next to him. 

“Nasty wagtail,” he muttered. Clearing his throat, he said, “Rosa, darling. While I applaud you protecting your siblings, we cannot use language like that.”

Rosa hung her head, studying her pizza and looking duly sorry. Angelica shoulder-bumped her. Tura put their arm around her shoulders. Crowley leaned across the table, tipping her head back to look into her eyes. 

“You did just what I would have done,” he told her. “And I’m happy that you didn’t deck the little hedge-creeper.”

She smiled and looked hopefully at Aziraphale. The angel’s heart melted and he smiled back at her. She finished her dinner and went to shop with her siblings. Crowley and Aziraphale strolled behind them. Molly had joined them and walked next to Clem’s wheelchair, chatting with him. Rosa pushed his wheelchair, finding books and handing them to him to hold. Angelica had taken off with her soccer friends, after they had all received an appropriately scary glare from Crowley. Junior and Datura lingered over the car books, narrowing their choices of their future car. 

“She’s not really in trouble, is she, angel?” Crowley asked, sliding an arm around his shoulders. “Not over a little childish rubbish?”

Aziraphale sighed. “It would be the right thing to do. I think. But . . . that child was a rather foul little toad, wasn’t she?”

Crowley nodded. “Utterly foul. Ngk. And that mother.”

“I suppose we can let this slide. No harm done, really,” the angel said. “But the late homework . . . we must do something about that.”

“Absolutely, Angel. Absolutely.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Kedreeva for creating this 'verse.
> 
> MUCH thanks to OlwenDylluan and Quilly for keeping the 'verse spinning and for keeping me sane.


End file.
